


the second big bang.

by gavinsaleks (ohmaggies)



Category: The Creatures | Cow Chop RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-03 19:32:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12754743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmaggies/pseuds/gavinsaleks
Summary: '“Yo, it just… still doesn't feel like it's really happening. You know? Like, I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be the way it used to be.”His pillow is soft under his head, hair still a windblown mess and stomach growling because he missed breakfast earlier.“... Is this because you miss James?” Trevor asks.'summary: the world ended two years ago, and james is going on a week long trip they're all worried he won't come back from. it means aleks has a lot of time to think, partly about his dead friends and partly about his true feelings for james.





	the second big bang.

**Author's Note:**

> a small fic about aleks in the apocalypse taking the time to dwell on past events and realising he's in love with james. because I could write forever about aleks and james falling in love at the end of the world. 
> 
> ft. some sad backstory, joe being his usual good self, sad trevor boi, james' hair, and aleks doing his best. 
> 
> \- rachel.

**i.**

James leaves on a Tuesday, dirty hair tied up behind him, one of his gloves on one hand and one of Aleks’ that he accidentally picked up on his other. He's done this a million times before but this time feels different; different because this time he knows he might not come back and because Aleks is standing in the distance watching with his arms folded.

 

He's not mad, but James knows he's worried and that they never say goodbye because it feels too final, too knowing of the fact they might not see each other again. Despite that, he almost wishes Aleks would come over and say something- anything. Maybe even hug him because it's cold and he's going on a long trip and _fuck_ , he's gonna miss him. He'll miss all of them, he realises, with a sharp intake, and an empty feeling rising in his chest.

 

Something doesn't feel right, and nothing ever really does in the apocalypse but right now, everything feels wrong. Wrong, like, Asher isn't next to him like he usually is, and Anna didn't help him with his hair that morning, and he's wearing Brett's boots because Brett's not around to wear them anymore. It's just Joe, sitting in their tent next to Trevor, both tired and cold, and Aleks watching James leave.

 

The sight of him, with his faded blonde hair almost his natural brown, wearing a jacket too large for him that he must've borrowed off Trevor, the peak of one of James’ shirts under it, all pale-faced apart from the brown of exhaustion under his eyes, makes James’ heart ache in that familiar way it does every time he has to leave. He'll regret not saying goodbye, he knows, but someone whose name he can't quite remember calls his name and the gate to his left is opening, and he looks away from it at Aleks just in time to catch him walking away. And, the wall far in the distance, the names of the deceased printed on it. Asher's, Anna's and Brett's name stand out in Joe's messy writing, and it hurts that little bit more.

 

He focuses his attention back on the people going with him and steps out just far enough that he hears the creak of the gate closing behind him.

_

 

The first thing Aleks notices that morning is Joe's voice, gravelly with sleep, arguing with someone just outside the tent. It's early morning, he guesses, from the swirls of orange and pink lighting up the ground, and Trevor asleep in the bed next to him. God, they really should get another tent. Before Asher didn't come back, Anna had her own small one, and Brett had been sharing with Asher and Trevor. Aleks still remembers those three days, how it felt waking up to Trevor clinging onto James, and when he'd stepped outside, watching Joe paint each name on the wall. He thinks, despite the day the world ended, they were easily the worst three days of his life, and not just because they lost the two extra tents.

 

Asher just didn't come back from a run with a stranger, and he'd left late enough that no one had been awake to talk to him before he'd gone. Aleks thinks they all feel the guilt from that, the way it sinks in heavy and the weight in Joe's voice when he asks them to wake him next time one of them leaves, and he knows logically it isn't their fault but it's hard not to blame yourself. 

 

James had been quiet the whole day, even when Trevor had tried to get him to eat and Aleks had sat down beside him and tried to make a joke to get him to laugh. They've never seen him madder than when the guy Asher had been with had gone by their tent to apologise; every now and then, Aleks remembers how scared of James he'd been in that moment, all of them screaming to try and tear him away from the guy.

 

None of them slept that night, and when Joe left the tent before sunrise to go find Brett, none of them said anything. Like Aleks didn't say anything when he woke up from a restless nap and James had crawled in beside him. It was nice to have the warmth, and to be touched so softly and warmly for the first time in years. It wouldn't be the last time but it had been the most surprising, and needed.

 

Anna was quiet those days. They'd lost Lindsey only a few days in and Anna had been holding her hand, screaming and trying to pull herself away from the zombie tearing at Lindsey's neck. It'd been James who had untangled her and dragged her to safety, but she wasn't really the same after that and none of them could blame her. Sometimes, Joe would go sleep on the floor of her tent. She got nightmares and would scream, call out to family members whose fates were unknown, or people they'd lost, particular Asher. Joe didn't sleep much because of it but Brett told him jokingly once that the apocalypse looked good on him and he'd smiled that wide smile of his and ducked his head.

 

Someone hadn't shut the gate right, that's what they were told. Someone had left it open enough for one of those dead things to crawl through and it had stumbled right to Anna's tent. It was one of the rare nights Joe wasn't with her, and when her screaming had woken them, he'd gotten up and left to go and check on her. None of them saw the body but Joe, and when James had asked, he'd looked up with guilty eyes and shaken his head, and they didn't want to know after that. 

 

At least, that time, they'd gotten to say goodbye. Even if it was a half-hearted goodnight after dinner after a rare week where they hadn't seen each other all that much. Brett was on a run and didn't find out until three days later when he came back, and none of them but Trevor had followed him when he'd excused himself from the conversation.

 

Aleks missed Brett the most, if he's allowed to think that. After Anna and Asher, they'd taken to being together all the time. Trevor spent every night in Brett's tent, Asher's bed still made and untouched in the corner, and Joe switched between tents. Sometimes he'd take his bedding and sleep on the floor of Brett and Trevor's tent with no explanation but a smile when Aleks and James watched him leave. Other nights, he'd spend the night snoring next to James, the sound filling the static silence. Then, Brett died, and Trevor moved into Aleks’ and James’ tent, and Joe started sleeping there permanently. It was just the four of them, and it got lonely but at least they were together, and they got so use to the togetherness that when James started being picked to go out on runs, it felt wrong not having him there.

 

Asher had died on a run, and Anna was just dead, and Brett was dead because he'd stood in front of an accidental shot and saved Trevor's life. In the end, Aleks knew they were all going to end up dead, because that's what happens and that's the way this world is and he's just selfish enough to hope he's first.

 

_

 

James goes on runs a lot, or enough that eventually they get used to it and used to him coming back. The first time, Aleks had spent the whole day trying to keep himself busy, keeping quiet and to himself, and that night, he'd woken up with James’ back pressed against his. 

 

The falling asleep alone and waking up with James became a sort of routine, and he didn't think much of it until Trevor took one look at him sitting alone eating lunch and told him with a lilt of humour tracing his words that he looked like a wife waiting for her husband to come back from war. Aleks had laughed and reached over playfully to smack him, catching Joe watching them with a sad smile. That's how their lives went, told what to do by the people running the place and always, always waiting for James to come home.

 

Except, it didn't really feel like home without him.

 

_

 

James’ going on a run to a place far away and it'll be a week's journey, Joe tells him. His voice is still thick with sleep, eyes red and glassy. The last people who tried to get there died but they asked James to go and he said yes because that's what James does.

 

Aleks tries to be mad at him but he can't, it's just not something he's sure he's capable of. James' hair is out and messy from the wind, and Trevor is sitting in the corner playing with a Rubik's cube that Brett had gotten him the first time he'd gone out the gates; he'd called it a birthday present and clapped Trevor on the shoulder with a smile, and they'd all smiled and laughed because Trevor's grin got all watery and his voice broke when he'd tried to say thank you.

 

He's had it for three years and still hasn't solved it, and Joe sits and watches him play with it sometimes when the day is slow and they're all tired but not enough to sleep. He's gotten a whole side red when Joe tells him about James leaving, and Trevor shrugs like it's not that big of a deal but they know him well enough to see the lie.

 

“D’you reckon it'll snow soon?” Joe asks, looking at Aleks, and Aleks just shrugs and sits up in bed, swinging his legs over to start putting on his boots.

 

It doesn't feel right ignoring Joe's question, even if it was asked more to be polite than anything else, but James must be leaving soon and Aleks has made a habit of watching him go. Always just far enough to usually not be seen but not far enough that if James searches hard enough, he'll find him. Today is not different, except this time he's leaving for much longer and the chance of him coming back almost makes Aleks’ heart stop just for a second. Usually, he tries not to think about the possibility of James leaving and never coming back because it's easier to count down the days until he comes back and keep busy.

 

Aleks almost considers going to ask him to stay; wonders for a second if he asked, whether James would or not. The logical side of him knows he can't just not go but the other part- the ridiculously hopeful part, the one that wants him to stay so bad it almost hurts- has to wonder if he would. Throw caution to the wind and ignore his orders to go because Aleks is his best friend and the universe might tear apart if they ever had to live without the other. It feels wrong to even think about, he without James, and James without him. Another small part of him wonders if after having to pick themselves up after the others’ deaths, if they could do it with James too.

 

“I'm gonna go get some breakfast, yeah?” It's a lie, but he's lacing up his boots and pulling one of Trevor's thick jackets on over a shirt of James’ he slept in, and neither Joe nor Trevor have half the mind to argue. They don't like watching James leave, something about it feeling like a bad romance movie where they go and don't come back, and Aleks tries to convince himself it doesn't feel like that but it does. Except, James comes back. He always comes back. And Aleks hates to think about him leaving them behind and looking back for what could be the last time and not seeing any of them there.

 

The tent zipper is already down, the winter breeze flapping the tent about in the wind and making Aleks wish he'd brought some kind of hat or beanie to hide his hair under. They don't get to wash their hair often, and having it be a tangled mess is a nuisance under the current circumstances. It's something to consider; asking James when he gets back if on the next run, he could find Aleks something to put over his hair, like a cap.

 

Aleks deals in next times, everyone knows it. The next time James gets back, the next time it rains, the next time Trevor manages to solve one side of his cube and then get frustrated because he'll 'never fucking solve this shitty thing!’

 

Next time James leaves, Aleks is going to say goodbye. He's tired of watching James leave and turn back to find him and that small moment of eye-contact being their goodbye, and what could easily be their last few seconds together. It doesn't feel right, it feels like they're arguing and James is going away, and it makes Aleks feel sick all the way until James gets back.

 

Until James comes home.

_

 

He still remembers the first time and the second time, and the third time when it was warm so the zombies were faster, and supplies were low, and James had sought out Aleks minutes before leaving. He remembers because it was early in the morning and he was pretending to be asleep because he didn't want James to go.

 

James had sat on the end of his bed for a few moments, hair shoved clumsily into a baseball cat and shorter than usual because Anna had cut it a few months ago. It didn't grow very long very fast, and Joe took to cutting everyone's hair when Anna passed- 'passed’ is what Brett called it, after he'd spent two days in his tent, because maybe it was meant to sound nicer. Passed away instead of got brutally murdered by a zombie in a very unfortunate situation that Joe still blames himself for. Aleks knows because the realisation had hit him the night Anna had died and he was pulling Joe into a tight hug before he knew better.

 

_Could've been him, could've been both of them. It could've been any of them._

 

And, it could be James next time he goes on a run; killed by a zombie or a feral dog or someone from another camp who wants his supplies. Aleks was pretending to be asleep, so James sat there for a few moments before he started talking, soft and quiet and uncertain. Aleks wanted to reach out and grab his hand because that's what friends do, but James’ voice became clearer and Aleks couldn't move even if he had wanted to.

 

“Keep thinking it might be me, you know? Go out there and not come back, like Asher. Gets me thinking about you miserable fucks and what you'd do without me, if I got attacked or killed or left for dead. Like it gets me thinking about if Brett would regret saving Trevor's life over his own, or if you ever go to sleep not knowing if I'm okay. Or if the next time I leave, what happened to Anna will happen again,” a deep breath, then he continued. “What I'd do if I came back and it was you next time, and I had to live knowing I wasn't here with you. I hate these runs, man, but one of us has to do them and Asher isn't exactly here anymore.”

 

Aleks lied there, forcing his eyes shut, and tried not to focus on the wobble behind James’ words, the shaky intakes of breath between sentences. It's not like they've not spoken about it before, when something bad happened or someone else died or one of them had a nightmare.

 

Aleks still hears Joe's breathy whisper of “it could've been me" when he tries to sleep at night, and Trevor's panicked voice and repeated “oh, fuck, Brett, oh, fuck” whenever Trevor looks off into the distance with that look he gets. The apocalypse breaks you, it does, and Aleks doesn't know how to fix it.

 

“Fuckin’ lazy shit, you sleeping right now. The others are awake, told them to get some sleep while I'm gone. Least I know you will and I-” A change in tone, voice quiet and hushed suddenly loud and exhausted, and the next few words breathed more than spoken. “I really wish you were awake right now.”

 

He'd left after that and come back two days later with a wide grin and a hug for each of them. And if James lingered longer with Aleks, none of them would've known.

 

**ii.**

 

It's been two days when Aleks is joining Trevor for lunch, nervous gaze glued to the gate where James usually leaves. With jobs and Aleks always trying to keep himself busy, they mostly have dinner together. They all grab their food from the person stationed there and make their way to their tent to sit on their beds and eat together; it feels more normal, food in their laps and the familiar setting of their beds. It almost distracts Aleks from what's going on, just for a second, and even longer when Trevor starts throwing food.

 

Joe's hair is longer now. He hasn't let anyone cut it since Anna died and though Trevor clumsily offered one night with Joe's head in his lap, it was met with a fake laugh and a 'no way, man’. 

 

Aleks had bitten into a grape and smiled at James with it nestled in his cheek, and James had told him while trying not to smile that he looked stupid. That was the night after they found out James was going to start going on runs, and the morning after, Aleks had woken to James tucked into bed beside him, stomach to his back and face nestled in his neck.

 

Aleks remembers thinking he could live like that for the rest of his life, that if he could stay in one moment for the rest of his life, it'd be that one. Not because he liked the warmth, but because James was close and they were safe, and he could feel the heat of James’ heat on his shoulder, but because James had an arm thrown around him and it felt right. He wasn't even sure why, just something about the closeness and the familiarity, and he missed those morning's where he'd wake up to Mishka curled up around him.

 

And, maybe his mind drifted to other things. He thought about them doing this before the world ended, Mishka and Ein alive and asleep at the end of the bed. He misses Mishka, and Asher, Anna, Brett, and the days where he didn't go to sleep not knowing if tomorrow would be the day he'd find out James didn't make it. He misses James and waking up with him, and he isn't entirely sure why their small group doesn't feel whole without him until he realises it's not about the group, more about him.

 

“Earth to Aleks?” Joe, the food on the end of his fork looking dangerously close to falling off. At first, he's smiling, elbow against Trevor's next to him, but something on Aleks' face must give him away because Joe's face falls and his voice is softer when he speaks. “You feeling okay, man?”

 

“Just tired,” he manages, pressing his cold palm against his hand and leaning into it to keep his head up. They're used to this; James being gone and it being just them for a few days at a time, but this time there's an uncertain ill feeling that's settled in Aleks’ belly. He's not even sure he can have one bit of food off his plate before being sick so he pushes his tray away, runs his hand through his fringe to brush his hair from his forehead. There's a cold sweat slicked in his hair, a telltale sign of his building anxiety.

 

“Anything we need to talk about?” Trevor, this time, suddenly interested in conversation and not just helpless picking and pushing at his breakfast.

 

There's concern clouded in his eyes, his eyebrows drawn together, and Aleks almost feels bad for not being better at hiding his own worry. He's holding it together, just barely, and the last thing they need is him flipping out on them when James still won't be back for at least five days if what James told Joe is true. 

 

He feels sick, really sick, and he shakes his head and stands away, hoping they don't follow even though his mind is screaming at him to tell someone what's going on. If Lindsey was here, he'd tell her. Or Brett.

 

God, Aleks misses them all, and it really doesn't help his own internal panic. His thoughts have been on a loop of 'what if he doesn't come back?’ and sleeping soundly through the night is always a pipedream when James leaves. Every morning Aleks wakes up, he half expects to roll over and find James next to him, and other mornings he wonders if Joe and Trevor would tell him if James died. Or, if they'd just never say anything and he'd spent the rest of his life waiting for him to come back.

 

_

 

“Yo, it just… still doesn't feel like it's really happening. You know? Like, I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be the way it used to be.”

 

His pillow is soft under his head, hair still a windblown mess and stomach growling because he missed breakfast earlier. Joe's scheduled for cleanup so he'll be gone for the rest of the day and they don't really see him after that because he'll finish and shower, then come straight to bed. It used to be James’ job, before the wind changed and summer came along, and the warmth brought more zombies their way. That's what killed Anna and Asher, and when Aleks closes his eyes to sleep at night, he can still hear her screams and Joe's yells, and the last thing he sees is the sight of Trevor on the ground, leaning over Brett's body like he can reverse death.

 

“... Is this because you miss James?” Trevor asks, the clicking of his Rubik's cube in the corner giving away his location.

 

Aleks opens his eyes to look at him; wonders if they all miss James when he goes away anymore, or if the others know something he doesn't about him coming back. And, maybe it's easy for them because they didn't see as much as he and James. They spent weeks all together huddled in a boarded off building and it was James and Aleks who did the runs for food, even if sometimes Brett said he wished they'd let him do it. It was the unspoken 'so you don't die’ that lingered between them that had Aleks absent-mindedly leaning up to hug him, and Brett stumbled barely but hugged back tight.

 

The thought of the others no longer alive still makes his heart pang, but he knows about loss and he knows about death, and he knows you have to focus on those still alive instead of dwelling over people who are gone. So, James is coming back. He has to, because Aleks isn't sure he can live without him, and because Joe and Trevor would miss him a lot if he didn't. They're friends, _best_ friends, and friends always come back. Not Asher, but they all know James will, even if part of Aleks always has those terrified moments of doubt.

 

“Shut up, dude,” he manages, a weak laugh unforced but enough that this words don't sound serious. Trevor throws a pillow at him that he manages to catch, pressing it to his chest as he closes his eyes shut again.

 

He's taken watch duty for the next few nights so he's trying to have a nap in the afternoon, something Joe had suggested earlier. There was the silent knowing between them that Aleks hated watch duty- he was a good shot but he preferred wandering around the perimeter of the gate during the day, and helping making explosives- but James still wasn't back and Aleks wanted to be the first one to see him when he and the others were home. Anna used to do it for Asher, and that one time Joe went on a run before the higher-ups realised he was better dealing with affairs back at camp.

 

Aleks went on a run twice but he was too impulsive, too willing to throw himself into danger with no explanation, that they never sent him out again. One of the camp leaders Geoff said it was because they didn't want him dead, or for him to get someone else killed, and Aleks understood that better than anyone. And Trevor, Trevor was never sent out on runs. Brett had made it a rule when they'd be taken in by the settlement, said Trevor was young and clumsy and more useful working on trying to get the generators set up.

 

James wasn't sent out until after Brett died, and none of them can quite remember why Asher started going out on runs, anyway. But, that's how it goes. If you stay and you're in a group, one member of each group has to go on runs otherwise you have to leave; Asher probably volunteered, that's what, and none of them had argued with him because they thought he'd be safe out there. It wasn't until he didn't come back that they realised, and that's when they started blaming themselves, and misplaced guilt had started to wear at them.

 

For Trevor and Joe, it was always worse. James had said to Aleks only weeks ago that he wishes they'd stop _feeling_ so much, which made no sense and all too much sense all at once.

 

Joe blamed himself for not being there for Anna, thought maybe if he had been that she'd still be alive, and Trevor has nightmares about Brett taking that bullet for him because he wakes up calling out phantom names sometimes. Once, it was Asher, only once, but after Brett, it was always Brett he screamed out for. None of them mention it but Joe told him that it would probably do him some good to go talk to one of the older survivors, just so maybe the bad dreams would stop for long enough for Trevor to get at least one good night's sleep.

 

_

 

He misses James.

 

And, yes, Trevor's right, but Aleks won't ever tell him that because it feels stupid to miss him more this time than all the others. Really, they should be used to him leaving, but they're not. They all miss him in a weird way they each understand, picking at their dinner each night and sometimes not talking because they've run out of stuff to say when James is gone.

 

Aleks likes that about James, that he always has something to say. He'll talk the entire way through lunch and they'll laugh at whatever he says, and when Joe mentions that it's been a year since something happened, James brings up something funny that happened once and they all laugh. It's a sad existence, this one, but they have each other and Aleks thinks every day about how lucky they are. Others aren't so lucky, some people here have no one, and Aleks knows they all think about what'll happen if they're the last one left; if everyone other than them dies and they're left alone.

 

None of them want to die, Aleks doesn't want them to die, but he looks at Trevor with the birthday present Brett got him and the look he gets in his eye sometimes, and hopes he isn't the last one left. Then, Joe, with his tangled short hair and wide grin, and one of Anna's bracelets on his wrists, and doesn't want him to be the last one left, either.

  
Then, James empty bed. Unmade and unfulfilled, and Aleks can't imagine a world without any of his friends in it, doesn't want to, but he knows he doesn't wanna be the last one left, that none of them do. It feels wrong thinking about it but sometimes he does, just to dwell on how it's terrible but it's the world, and every now and then, he goes to sleep wondering if it's possible for him to die in his sleep.

 

Other times, he imagines him and James together, and Joe and Trevor sleeping comfortably in their beds, and doesn't want to die. Really, really, doesn't want them to either.

 

_

 

The thing is, it sneaks up on him. He's gotten used to the warmth of James' body beside him, their skin hot in the cool winter, and he stares too long at James getting dressed every morning, and feels an unfamiliar flutter of _something_ in his chest when James smiles at him, and god, it sneaks up on him. In a way that he can't pinpoint where it began or how it happened, just that it's there and he doesn't have the energy to deny it.

 

It sneaks up on him the first morning he wakes to James in his bed and their breathing is soft and synced, and Joe is staring like he knows something they don't. It's not there then suddenly it is, and Aleks thinks it should be more terrifying but it feels right in a way that nothing has been for longer than he can remember. It's there when James starts going on runs and Aleks scrubs his hands raw and calloused trying to keep busy, like it will distract him from the fact his friend might not come back.

 

It's just there, in a small way it always has been, and Aleks doesn't know what to do so he just doesn't do anything. And every time James leaves, he feels like he's losing his mind, like part of him just got up and walked away and he's inhabiting his body but not really living in it. Existing without James feels wrong, and it feels so, so right to share a bed together, to help each other wash their hair, to be pulled towards his side like a magnet.

 

It sneaks up on him with a _God_ and suddenly, everything makes sense. They've known each other for years, since Aleks was so much younger and so much smaller, and he still remembers what James looked like when they met all that time ago. And it just- makes sense. It does, in a way that is comforting but scary, because if James doesn't come back, Aleks’ heart will break. Actually break, shatter in his chest, and there's a small chance that that might happen.

 

He jokingly tells Joe to shut up when he teases Aleks about missing James, and when Trevor tells him his husband will be home soon, but his heart feels tight. It sneaks up on him so slowly, for years and years, that he realises and drops his entire tray on the floor, staring at the ground and his dinner, and watches Joe rush over to help clean it up. It's slow until it's not; until suddenly he's in love with James and, well, _holy fuck_ , he's dropped his food on the ground and, _shit dude_ , he's in love with James.

 

Joe's saying something, asking with his voice thick with worry if Aleks is okay, and Aleks numbly nods. People are staring, that's certain, and it takes him back to all those events with James next to him where he wasn't in love with him, and the days, weeks, months and years, where he wasn't. Joe's hand on his shoulder brings him back to the now, and Aleks is sliding away and walking towards their tent as fast as his frozen legs will take him.

 

He misses James.

 

He's in love with James.

 

That's a little harder to swallow. He's used to missing him, to waiting days for him to come home and make their small group feel whole again, but being in love is so unfamiliar that he just feels so unsure. He's nervous, almost, and guilty because James left and he didn't get to tell him and if he dies, he'll never get to tell him. Ever. Maybe he's known for years that he loved him, as friends because that's what they are, but being in love is a lot harder a concept to swallow.

 

James will be home in five days, if Joe was right, and it's almost four days if Aleks doesn't count tonight. But if he does, it's a miserable five days to wait. A miserable five days to keep busy and work, and imagine how warm and safe James will feel when he comes back and his arms are tight and strong holding Aleks to him. Nothing has to change, he knows, but for reasons unknown, he wonders if James feels the same; if he were to tell him, James would still crawl into his bed at night, still act like he does around him.

 

Aleks feels sick with worry, but less so when he's sat on his bed and Joe's there moments later, sitting next to him and putting an arm around his shoulders. Trevor sits on James' bed across from them and smiles but it's shaky, like he's nervous or scared. Like Aleks freakout is a reason to be wary of him.

 

“I miss him.”

 

Trevor laughs, quietly, and Joe squeezes Aleks’ shoulder with a smile, and it's one of those moments where Trevor isn't all there and Joe's gaze focuses a bit too long on Anna's bracelet around his wrist. They're silent and sad, and there's a hole torn in them that can't be fixed.

  
But they've got each other, and that counts for something, and Aleks watches Trevor across from him and wonders if he'll ever stop having nightmares about Brett dying. Looks at Joe and wonders if one day, that permanent guilty look in his eye will look more like happiness. And looks at his own hands, and wonders if he'll ever stop missing everyone so much it aches.

 

**iii.**

 

The next few days go much quicker than Aleks expected; fast enough that James is meant to be back today and Aleks spend all night awake on watch duty hoping to catch a glimpse of him. There's a sinking feeling of worry buried in his chest, the cold winter air making it hard to breathe, and his hands hurt from gripping the gun in his hands so tight. James’ll be back, eventually.

 

Joe says they need to give it time, and they all ignore the unspoken 'what if this is just like what happened to Asher?’ that sits between them, making the silence uncomfortable and unbearable. He digs around at his breakfast, realises he's barely eaten at all the past seven days, and pushes his food away from his body towards Trevor.

 

Trevor gives him an odd look but reaches forward and takes something off Aleks’ plate. Aleks knows he's just being polite taking it, but Trevor smiles at him, genuinely, and his nerves disappear for a few beats of his heart. He loves his friends, he'd do anything for them, and he remember back when everyone was alive, when James had said something that had them all staring at their feet.

 

_“My first priority is making sure all you guys are safe.”_

 

James has taken care of all of them, like he always has, and Aleks wishes he could do the same for James. He does sometimes, like after Asher hadn't come back and James hardly spoke, and Aleks went and sat next to him in bed and just talked about whatever. That time they'd given Asher the hot sauce to hold onto, and how ridiculous he looked when he was confused and his face did that weird scrunched up thing, and all the weird things he did that made him _Asher_.

 

His hand found its way into James’ hair, softly brushing out tangles, and he did the same when Anna passed, too. James sat on the floor between his legs and Aleks played with his hair and told some of the stories he remembered back in the good days before the apocalypse, and James cried because it hurt. Because losing people hurt, and because he cries when it hurts, and it was just them in the tent so it didn't matter if James had slept in Aleks’ bed that night and Aleks had let him.

 

And, when Brett died, James was one of the first people calling out for help. His hair was loose and his hands were covered in blood, and Aleks was too shocked to move or to even tear his eyes away from his friend dead on the floor. He remembers Trevor swearing and crying, and James still calling for help long after the blood had begun to drain from Brett's face, and Joe, standing terrified in the corner.

 

That night, they didn't sleep. They rarely slept anyway but Aleks rubbed his burning eyes and dragged James outside to watch the sunrise. Too often, when someone dies, two people stop living. Aleks sat, biting his lip, trying not to focus too much on James rubbing at his bloodstained hands, and stilled when he had started to speak.

 

“'s’not Trevor's fault.”

 

And Aleks, voice raw from crying and quiet, “Yeah... yeah.”

 

Maybe they didn't know how to deal with grief, or the trauma of it all hit all at once when Brett died, but none of them quite knew how to talk about it. Trevor mourned in that silent, red-faced way of his, and Joe looked tired but he still made sure they all ate and ensured Brett's name was on the wall of the deceased, and Aleks watched the quiet way James held it all in. It hurt, seeing them all like that, but James made him lie down to sleep and he realised maybe his friends weren't the only ones not handling it well.

 

That was a few days before James got pulled aside at breakfast and told he had to start going on runs. And they were all so tired and exhausted, both from lack of sleep and losing people, that Aleks couldn't talk when he'd been told. Trevor looked away, pretended to be more interested in his hands than what James was saying, and Joe's voice was only slightly unsteady when he asked, “But why?”

 

The first time James left, Aleks didn't sleep. He didn't eat or bathe, just volunteered for more jobs around the camp and ignored the sympathetic looks of strangers. Trevor helped the kitchen with breakfast and rationing, then spent the rest of the day in their tent trying to solve his Rubik's cube, even though it'd taken weeks after Brett died for him to pick it up again.

 

It'd been three days after Brett when Aleks had woken to a yell and a bang, and Trevor turning everything in the room upside down; he looked mad, _furious_ , but Aleks knew he was just upset. He'd pulled himself out of bed and placed a hand on Trevor's shoulder and Trevor fell into him, sobbing and clutching, and Aleks remembers how thin and pained his voice sounded when he finally spoke.

 

“It's my fault, Aleks. Brett would still be here if I hadn't--”

 

“It's not your fault, Trev. We don't blame you- _shit_ , man, none of us blame you.”

 

They didn't talk about it after but Trevor fell asleep on the floor against Aleks, a hand tangled in his shirt, and James woke up and smiled at them, though it was tired and pained. His hair was a tangled mess, his shirt loose and hanging off one of his shoulders, and Aleks could see Brett's boots shoved hazardously under his bed. He was the only one who didn't have something of one of their friends’, the ones that had passed, as Brett put it, and it made his heart miss an uneasy beat.

 

James, unshaven and forcing his unwashed hair into a bun, “If I still had my phone, I'd take a million photos of you guys.”

 

It was the nonchalance, the humour that shadowed his words, that made Aleks believe maybe they would be alright. It was the end of the world but they were still alive, and they still had each other, and James looked like shit but they all did these days. None of them were exactly the picture of beauty, with dirty clothes and patchy facial hair, and tear streaks clear on their faces in the light. Aleks, for the most part, avoided any kind of reflective surface, but the the idea of a photo of him and Trevor close and ridiculously hideous almost made him wish they had a camera.

 

Like he said, being in love with James sneaks up on him. He thinks about it, about the way James looked at him, and thinks how unbelievably impossible it would be for him to not have fallen in love with him. But, yeah, it sneaks up on him, and he's not entirely annoyed by it.

 

_

 

Aleks wakes the day after a week since James left to Joe shaking him awake, the cap he usually wears missing and his face bearing the smallest hint of a smile. The meaning behind it is obvious and Aleks can tell it's late afternoon by the dark light streaming in through the open tent door; he can't remember the last time slept for so long, especially without James home.

 

Joe nods at him and then he's gone, and Aleks is pulling on a pair of tight-fitting jeans, his own shirt, and one of James’ worn jackets that he wears when winter gets unbearably cold. He pulls the zip up halfway with shaking hands, his breaths unsteady, and though he's done it plenty of times before, it feels different this time. Leaving his tent to greet James after a successful run. But he takes the first step out then the second, and peers straight over to the open gate that James is leaning against, a new jacket on and his hair tied up like usual.

 

Aleks, his heart in his throat and his legs nearly unable to support his weight, is walking, nearly running, over to James before he can stop it. James spots him metres away, turning from his conversation with Joe and Trevor to wave. He looks okay, as in uninjured, and relief floods Aleks, taking a moment to regain his breaths and remind himself that everything's okay; that James is alive, and he's _home_ , and they spent over a week without him but now he's back.

 

“Aleksandr!”

 

He's pushing through crowds of people, barely saving time to excuse himself or thank people for moving out of the way, and the next few metres to James is a clear clearing. James starts walking towards him, meeting him a few strides away from the gate. Aleks all but throws himself into James' arms, the other stumbling back with surprise and a delighted but tiresome laugh.

 

“Fucking asshole,” Aleks murmurs, words muffled in James’ jacket, and voice lowered almost like he doesn't want anyone else to hear. It feels private, more so than usual even though nothing is really unlike it typically is except the length of the trip. The only difference, perhaps, is that loving James has finally crept up on him and he can feel it when they hug, neither moving to pull away from the embrace, bodies warm in the cold.

 

“Yeah, I missed you too.”

 

It's said with sarcasm but Aleks knows it's just to cover up the intimacy behind the words; and, God, yeah he missed him. But, honestly, James is a total asshole for leaving for so long when they didn't even get a proper goodbye. And, even more of an asshole for leaving for so long that Aleks could do nothing but realise he's in love with him.

 

“I mean it, shut up.” He's trying not to smile, almost on tiptoes to peer over James’ shoulder. Everything feels better, not right or good, but better than it has in a long time. James came back, and James always comes back, and Aleks could die a happy man with his arms around him; it feels warm and safe, like James and home all at once. The thought has Aleks burying his face in James’ shoulder, trying to find the right way to tell him he loves him without having to say it.

 

Maybe the best way to say it is to just not say it at all, just keep holding onto him tight and focus on the way James sighs thankfully, like he's just glad to be home and with the people who care about him. It has Aleks clutching on tighter, laughing back with his eyes shut when James stumbles again and scolds quietly, “Aleksandr!”

 

He's not really mad, at all, and Aleks is glad because he really doesn't wanna let go. Even when James nestles his face in Aleks’ neck and says he's so tired he could fall asleep standing up against Aleks. He loosens his grip slightly, and pulls away, his hands grasping onto James’ arms, still almost afraid to let go of him in case he leaves or it's all just a dream and the moment they're not touching, James won't be there anymore.

 

“Go sleep, Mr Hero.”

 

James laughs but he looks exhausted, eyes red and sore, and the under of his eyes showing just how much sleep he's missed while out on the run. Aleks doesn't dwell on it, just focuses on how alive and well he is, and let's go to go and join Joe and Trevor and give James some space. He doesn't want to, really, really doesn't, but he doesn't want to keep him awake when he's already done enough to warrant at least three whole days of sleep. At the least.

 

“You sure you don't wanna go have a nap?” Joe, making Aleks glance down slightly to look at him. “It's still early and one of your days off.”

 

So, he does.

 

**iiii.**

 

James isn't meant to go on any runs for at least another week, and he's been back for barely three days but they'll take what they can get. Aleks sleeps better, now, and wakes up every morning to James asleep next to him, closer than they used to get when they shared a bed together in the past. It's nice, Aleks won't deny that, and when he wakes up first, he'll brush James’ hair away from his face and trace James’ features inches away from his face and think about things.

 

Things like luck; fate. Like, maybe all this happened so he'd have a chance at _this_. It feels stupid, and makes him feel stupid, thinking about how one day the world stopped just so they could end up here, together, Aleks in love. There's a small naiveness behind it, a sharp pang of guilt when he realises his friends died just to bring he and James could get closer. Again, it feels stupid, makes him feel stupid, and he doesn't think about it again.

 

What he does think about, tonight on watch by himself, is how much he relies on his friends, especially James. Mostly he thinks about love, and the way it's not there then suddenly is but looking back, all the clues are there so how could he possibly not pick up on them. He spends his days counting down until the next time James leaves, thinks about how much brighter everyone looks now that he's back, and wonders if he'll be gone just as long or less. Or, more. The thought makes Aleks feel sick.

 

He's carving his initials into the wooden platform of the makeshift watch tower when he hears someone's footsteps climbing the steel ladder up. It's too heavy to be Joe, who's meant to be taking over for Aleks in a few hours, and not clumsy enough to be Trevor, but James appears at the top with a small smile.

 

“There you are!”

 

Aleks looks at him with a half-smile, shifting slightly over to allow James to sit down beside him. It feels like when the world first ended, them side-by-side and young, and Aleks laughs to himself at the thought. Everyone was alive then, and they were so much happier than they are now. Back then, they didn't know those were the good days; if they had, Aleks would've appreciated them more, would've hugged his friends more. But maybe you really don't know what you have, what you love, until it's gone.

 

“Feels like how it used to be, huh,” James enquiries, and Aleks turns to meet his eye but he's looking out at the distance, at the blankness of the night, instead.

 

He nods, still watching James but slowly turning to try and find what he's looking at. It's so dark and lifeless that there's nothing to see, even the sky is dark from the clouds, and soon the ground will be covered in snow, too. It reminds him of that first place they stayed after Lindsey died, with it's big, clear roof, and all the sleepless nights he and James would spend up there together. That feels like a world away now, but Aleks remembers it.

 

“Yeah, it does,” he manages, wondering if he leaned over to kiss James or told him how he felt, what would James do. Push him off, maybe, or laugh, or say something about how it's just because they're close and Aleks is lonely, and every option makes Aleks sink further. Maybe this is how he'll live: knowing, loving, but never able to say exactly how he feels.

 

And, he's going to miss James when he leaves next week, and he doesn't want to live without regrets but he doesn't want to live with them, either.

 

James turns to him, face illuminated by the small light in front of them, and Aleks looks at him for just long enough for James to move forward, lips connecting with Aleks’, whose hands come up to cup James’ face. His whole body is shivering in the cold, and because he's kissing James, and he doesn't pull away from the kiss, just focuses on one of James’ hands moving to softly hold Aleks’ wrist.

 

It's slow, and warm in comparison to the winter chill that's going through their coats and sending shivers up skin, and Aleks knows it must be at least 30 degrees by now but James is warm and he feels himself melt under his touch. He hasn't been kissed in over three years, and he's been in love with James for longer than he can remember even though he's only just realised exactly how he feels. The words are stuck on his tongue, unsaid but left for later, Aleks too busy thinking about the heat of James’ mouth to focus on much else.

 

This, this feels right, he realises. James home, James here, and James kissing him. It feels good and better, and something inside Aleks feels complete.

 

“Couldn't have warned me?” he jokes when James pulls back to press their foreheads together, a small laugh forced from both of them. And, yeah, this really does feel right. “I'm not bitching, I'm just saying that next time you kiss me, more than just a five second glance would be nice.”

 

“Next time?” James, a wide smile splitting his lips, and Aleks hands still soft but awkwardly placed on his cheeks.

 

“Yeah, next time.”

 

_

  
fin.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading!! ( And sorry for any typos, it's 1am and I fixed as many as I could ! )
> 
> \- rachel.


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